What does depression feel like?

Here's a picture of some rocks. Because I like rocks and I don't have a picture of depression.

Ok. I'm ready to chime in. It's been just over 24 hours now since I read the news that Robin Williams had died. And that his death may have been a suicide.

I've run the gamut of emotion since hearing the news. Trying not to cry at first because, why? I don't know him personally. Why would his death have that effect on me? Then letting myself cry because, damn it, it IS hurting me, so feel it and let it go already. Then reading all of the tributes and articles and realizing just how many emotionally important (to me) movies he was in.

At this point, I'm starting to get annoyed by all of the coverage and took a few minutes to figure out why. Of course it's good that people would talk about depression and suicide, right? That's how things change and get better, right?

I want to yell, JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. Honoring Robin Williams and the impact he had on all of our lives is wonderful and right. Encouraging people to get help for mental illness is a good start.

But until we all actually start talking about depression out loud and in the open, then little will change. So, I'll start.

What does depression feel like?

I can tell you what I feel like when I am depressed. I'm not depressed all of the time, but I have been depressed. I LIVE WITH anxiety all of the time, to varying degrees. (Another day, I'll tell you how I discovered the true extent of my fear of heights last week while we were on vacation. It was the opposite of awesome. Good story, though). But depression is something that visits me situationally.

And this? Is a picture I took while I was pretending not to be stark raving TERRIFIED on the observation platform.

When I am depressed, it feels like there is a lead ball in my chest, sometimes sinking into my gut. It feels thick and heavy and ugly and dark. There is no removing it.

I also feel very heavy, just generally, in my body when I am depressed. It's harder to move around for no apparent reason, and I just don't want to get up. All of the things that I normally love to do, I pretty much don't care about. I can sit and list them in my head, trying to find something to WANT to get out of bed for. There is nothing. Not because I don't still love those things, but because I am depressed. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either today because I'm not depressed. But when I'm depressed that's exactly what it is.

It's been this way long enough now that I can see it, as if from outside myself. Even when I'm in a depression, and I have to list the reasons I should get up, I'm able to realize that it will pass. I'm able to know in my head that I won't always feel this way. Eventually something inside of me will shift and I'll feel differently and the dark inside of me will lift and I'll get up and enjoy something again.

I think it helps to decide ahead of time that you're going to believe that. That the next time you are depressed, you are going to believe that there is something to hope for. You have to decide ahead of time that you know the dark will lift, because when the darkness falls, you won't want to believe it, you certainly won't feel it. And for me, and I think for many others, feeling is how we move through the world.

That, I think, is why we loved Robin Williams so much. Because he made us laugh and feel so very good. Even in his dramatic roles, there was warmth and love and hope.

I don't always write about these things, so I'm never sure if I should. But, here it is. I don't want to add to the noise because I hate the noise but I do want to contribute to the discussion. Please feel free to share in the comments how depression or suicide has touched your life. Feel free to link to your own post if you like.

Reboot Day 3 - The day the popcorn bowl became the apple bowl

Those apples? Are tomorrow's breakfast. And will probably all get used in one day.

Today's juice recipes: 

• orange
• cucumber/kale/lemon
• zucchini/apple/lemon
• apple/nectarine/blueberry

So on day three I'm feeling decidedly better. For the first two days I felt nauseous in the late afternoon and really wanted to just go to bed. Today, finally, and thankfully, I am feeling much better.

I'm thinking that part of the key to feeling well during this fast is being distracted. In the movie Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead both men shown were removed from their normal every day routines. Ideally, I would love to go and stay at the beach for ten days while I finish this fast. Unfortunately, that's not in the plan for this week so I will just have to make sure I'm distracted with plenty to do at home for the next week.

I'm only a week away from being finished with ten days! How cool is that?

The one thing that has been really bothering me while doing this is all of the waste. Every time I clean out the juicer it really bugs me to throw away all that pulp. I feel like I should be saving it to add to smoothies or casseroles or something. I've decided that when I'm not doing this for ten days straight then maybe I'll save the pulp for adding to other recipes.

The right juicer for the job

Also? The amount of water I'm using to clean the juicer seems like too much to me. Maybe it's because I don't like doing the actual cleaning that this bugs me so much. Or maybe it's just because I have such a difficult time cleaning out the blade portion that I don't like it so much. It seems like it takes me forever to get all of the little itty bitty fibers out of there. Any ideas for that would be greatly appreciated.

I have a Jack LaLanne juicer and I really do like it quite a bit, notwithstanding all my grumbling about the cleaning. I love how quiet it is. It works fast and well. The only other juicer I've ever owned sounded like a jet engine running in my kitchen. No wonder juicing was not a fun experience. This one however, is earning a permanent spot on the counter top this week.

This post contains affiliate links.

I have nothing cutesy to say about this today.

If you don't know what affiliate links are, shoot me an email and I'll fill you in.

Thanks!

Reboot Day 2 - Bread! Give me bread!

Ok, so bread is not the thing that I've been craving the most today, but I have been wanting it. And not just any bread. I'm talking warm, sweet, buttery bread. Yeah.

I also wanted a banana at breakfast time. I usually just grab one because they're quick and easy. I started to grab one and had to stop myself. It also made me think about how very much of my eating behavior is simply mindless. A banana may not seem like a big deal but then what happens when you eat mindlessly all day long? A few M&M's aren't so bad. But, as I've said before, they gang up on you!

My friend Kalai wrote an article about all of the times she had to say "just this one time, I'm not going to have it." I think it's a great article about how many times we have to say "no" to our own wants over the course of a week. Don't let yourself be fooled. This stuff is hard to do!

To start out today I had apple juice. These five apples became 20 ounces of juice. 

(Update: Aaaaaaand sometimes, you hit the "publish post" button before you mean to. Sorry about that folks. I intended to finish this post and share it later. Since I've already posted this much, I'll leave it for now and just add to it later in the day.) 

Update 9:06 pm

Hi. I'm back to finish the post I started earlier. Turns out, it really wasn't a bad thing I did that because I don't really have much to share right now. I feel a little like I'm wilting.

I have a small (tolerable) headache, my energy is low but I don't feel tired, and I'm really wanting something to eat. Almost anything. I also know that if I eat something now, I won't want to stop. Now is not the time to give in.

I know I can do this. I really, really want to do this. I will do this. Maybe tomorrow morning will be easier. G'night.

Reboot Day 1 - The one where I learn what kale is

Last night I wasn't sleeping and I found another food documentary on Netflix. And why not, really? It is our national obsession. One of them, anyway.

I'll cut to the chase and tell you that today is officially Day 1 of my 10-Day juice fast. Oh boy. That freaks me out just typing that. Thinking about my schedule this week is a little concerning as well. How am I going to do this? Bring juice with me seems to be the only option. Not sure how that's going to work out. More on that later, I guess.

In the film, Fat Sick & Nearly Dead, the juice they mention many times is the "mean green." I made some today and thought it might be helpful to share with you how that went.

The original recipe for the "mean green" juice can be found on the Facebook page FAQ for the movie. The only change I made to this first one was that I left out the ginger. I've had juices with it before and don't really enjoy the aggressive spicy-ness of the ginger.

I also got to learn what kale looks like. To my knowledge I've never eaten it before and certainly have never before purchased it at the grocery store.

So this plate of fruits and veggies

Became 24 ounces of beautiful green juice. I poured some before I remembered to take the photo. I love this measuring cup because it fits underneath the chute for the juice on my machine and it has the ounce measurements. Very helpful for me today.

I started out drinking this cup of juice (Go Bears!)

And saved this in the fridge for later. Yes, that is a re-used Snapple bottle.

So. What do I think? I think that juicing is an acquired taste. If you don't like vegetables and haven't eaten any that aren't fried in quite some time, you're going to have a hard time getting used to the flavors. I actually like the "mean green" juice. 

For me, I enjoy the juices the most when I drink them through straws because I don't like that white film that develops on the top of the juice. It's a texture thing. I just don't like it.

So yeah. I'm going for it. Ten days. Who's in? Maybe try a three day fast if ten days sounds like too much to you. Or even try one of the Reboot Programs to get yourself started before trying a total juice fast.

I do know this much. This is going to be difficult. It's 4:04 pm on Day 1 and I'm hungry. Even though I'm just about finished with my Bears cup full of juice. Days 3 and 4 are gonna be ugly folks. 

Are you willing to try with me? Misery loves company, right? If you don't want to do the fast yourself then maybe tell me why I'm crazy for trying. Maybe that will get me riled up enough to continue on when I want to quit. 

What do you think?

Some of the links above are affiliate links.

If you click on them and then make a purchase

I will earn a small percentage of your total, so thanks!

Green (Smoothie) Living

Breakfast of champions

I've been inspired to claw my way back up onto the band wagon of healthy eating again. Yes, again. I know, I know. It gets old some times, doesn't it? It's true that I haven't had any soda in over a month, so that's fantastic but really just the tip of the iceberg for eating habits around these parts.

Well you can only start from where you're at so here I am. I was inspired this week by my friend Michelle who posted her recipe for a green smoothie. I decided to make my own version which included:

• two cups of frozen blueberries (from the Blueberry Ranch of course!)
• one half cup of almond milk
• one cup of fresh baby spinach

That's it. I like to use the frozen berries so that I don't have to use a bunch of ice when I make smoothies. 

The verdict? It's not my favorite smoothie ever but it was by far not the worst, either. If you decide to make this, just remember to drink it all right now. Don't let it sit around for a while. You want that spinach to be really well mixed in. Settling does not help the yumminess factor of the spinach.

How about you? What are you doing to be healthy these day? Do you have a favorite smoothie recipe I could try? Let me know!

Organic or Local?

So. What's your priority when purchasing food?

Is it more important to you that your food be local or that it be organic?

The Blueberry Ranch is the only farm I'm aware of that is both organic AND local to my home.

The Purple Porch Co-op apparently also works with some other local and organic farms. I'm gonna have to check them out this week.

I'm telling you, when I'm walking through the grocery store and the labels show potatoes from Idaho and strawberries from California and other items from areas in South America it doesn't make much sense to me. And it's ridiculously overwhelming. If there's one thing I cannot abide, it's being overwhelmed, especially at the grocery store.

Last night I watched another food documentary, The Future of Food. What it tells me is that as humans, and speficially Americans, we've made some really bad choices. We're on a path I honestly don't believe we can get off of.

We genetically modify food and then we wonder why it makes us sick.

We allow multinational corporations to patent living organisms. This is truly insane. There's utterly no way to control how these organisms will change over time and where they will travel. They continually turn up in farmer's fields where they were not invited. They've even made their way to Mexico where they are not wanted. The Mexican government as well as the majority of Mexican farmers want nothing to do with genetically modified foods.

We've given up a huge part of our heritage.

We've given up entire sets of knowledge that can only be recovered at great cost. Farming as it happens now bears little resemblance to what it was a century ago.

I think we've gone too far. I hope we can come back. And before it's too late.

A little dramatic? I wish. And so, back to the original question. What's more important to you when you are purchasing food? Local or organic?

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

I started with this recipe from the book Animal Vegetable Miracle and added some diced tomatoes and broccoli. The results were delicious. 

Eternal Lizdom Guest Post

Hey Friends!

I'm posting over at Liz's blog today. Go over and visit, won't you? I think it's a pretty fun post about being adventurous with your food. 

Then when you come back, I'll let you know that the chocolate chips in that picture were for a recipe from this book by Marilu Henner. I still have the book but I've actually ripped the chocolate chip cookie recipe page out and put it in my big recipe binder. I'll have to do a post on that some day I guess.

I just had to add the picture here, too, because I think it's pretty. And because I wanted you to know that those dates in the front? They are my new favorite thing for this week. If you shop at Meijer (like I usually do) you can purchase a big container of them in the area near the raisins.

My ultimate goal is to buy as much of these really healthy foods at the regular grocery store as possible so that they continue to stock them. Less crappy junk food and more amazingly delicious and healthy good foods.

Pretty please do me one more favor and click on that link in the upper right corner to "like" my blog? I'll be your best friend. No really, I recently added that box and would really love it if you could click it to help me out. OK? Thanks!

We are what we eat

In my quest for better health, I've found it useful to watch documentaries and other shows about our food industries. It really helps me to remember why I need to pay so much attention to what I'm eating.

You can watch these movies and decide for yourself what changes to make in your food and your lifestyle.

Food, Inc.












Of course, this one is about McDonald's. The film maker ate three meals a day at McDonald's every day for a month. The doctors recommended he stop after about twenty days. It made me sick just watching it.

Super Size Me











I've watched this one most recently. There's some really common sense information in this film.

Foodmatters








(Of course, these boxes are affiliate links. By purchasing after using these links, I'll earn a small percentage, which I'll use to purchase organic food!)


Please let me know if you've seen these and what you thought. Also, please let me know what others I should be looking for. I need to continue listening to this information as I endeavor to be more healthy.

Sick as Dogs

What did you do this weekend?

Jon and I were sick as dogs. (Where did that saying even come from? How sick ARE dogs, anyway?) Nana was nice enough to come and take our kids out for dinner so they could at least leave the house for a little while.

Thankfully, we are both at least well enough to go back to work and full-time-moming now that Monday has rolled around. Good news since Monday came whether we were ready for it or not.

So this morning Jason was sick, I'll spare you the icky details. If you see him, he won't. He'll be happy to tell you exactly how he was sick and what came out where. That's my boy.

And this morning I took Sarah to the doctor where we confirmed that she has an ear infection.

Here's hoping that Evan can withstand the ickies that are making their way through our house.

That was our weekend and Monday. I truly hope yours was better.

Next Step #2

So it's been 21 days since I said that I was going to begin a new habit to improve my health and drink four water bottles every day. Remember that? Since 21 days was the number of days the experts say it takes to make a new habit, it's time to move on to another. But before we move on you may be wondering how I've been doing. Well, quite swimmingly actually. At first it seemed really difficult to get all four in the course of the day. I still can't figure out why that would be so difficult but it was. Now I know that I need to pace myself a little better and make sure that I've already had three by the time the kids come home from school. Otherwise, I'll be drinking that fourth one late in the day and that does not bode well for sleeping all night long.

The really funny thing is that as I've been working on this first step, another step has sort of just presented itself. I used to drink protein shakes in order to increase my protein intake and for quite a while now, I had stopped. No reason really, just stopped. Well, over the last 21 days some time, I started again. So now, not only have I established a really good habit in drinking four bottles of water every day, but I've already started working on my next step. Now it doesn't seem like such a big deal to continue the water, and to pick up the next goal of having a shake for breakfast every day. So that's the plan for next step #2. Protein shake every day for breakfast. I'm not making any rules about what I'm eating, or not eating along with the shake. Step #2 is simply to have a protein shake at breakfast time every day for the next 21 days.

Now I'm wondering what will present itself over the course of the next three weeks for Step #3? What's your next step?

My next step

Very simply, I have a goal to be more healthy in the future than I am today. Now "healthy" can be a loaded idea. There are many types of health. There are many ways to get there. For now, my only next step is to drink four - 16 oz. water bottles full of water (duh) every day. That will get me the amount of water that so-called experts say I need to drink every day to be healthy.

Now, I know those plastic bottles are bad for the environment, plastic has stuff in it that is bad for me, they're expensive, yadda, yadda, yadda. Bottom line - this is the easiest way for me (a very visual/task oriented person) to get the water into my body. Also, I am definitely not above refilling said water bottles from the tap so there you go.

That's it. My one next step that I'm focusing on for now. Other experts have said it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Hopefully in 21 days this new habit will be well established in my routine and we can move on to another. What's your next step?